Occasionally, I’ll wonder what in my “karmic pattern” could have led me here. I wonder what I could have done differently. Granted, I will never say what I should or would have done if I had known, there were signs that this outcome could have been a possibility, but no one would have seen it coming, known to have looked for it, it could not have been prevented, it just is. I know I would not have changed anything had I known it was coming. Possibly, danced just a little more. Alas, that is not how things are able to move.
I can look back and see things I wish I could have changed, they were all uncomfortable, embarrassing moments of growth. Fortunately, they are not so anxiety-inducing that I am immobilized by them now. There was a time where the emotions that came with the thought of those situations, they were much stronger than they are now. I suppose that is how it all will become in due time, I look forward to that.
I fell asleep tonight around 10:00, after getting off the phone with a friend. Sleeping until around 1, I realized upon turning on my phone that I missed the opportunity to return a call to another friend. I write this in the hopes that he reads it and knows that it was not intentional.
I took my medicine, laid around for a while, meditated, put some art up, and now I am here. Listening to the Avett Brothers, I am sure that this is yet another moment leading to another, that I will wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready to enjoy a sun filled Saturday. Visiting with friends, trying out a new pair of shoes, enjoying life while it is present in front of me. I truly need to get out of my head for a while.
I was able to accomplish this multiple times this week, only to ground myself with thoughts that are far too tired out. Experiences that have no place in my current life, I would imagine that the people around me would agree. I am accepting that this was yet another winter of depression, I will grow from it in the spring and emerge from my cocoon like a beautiful masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously – I have grown and learned, that is all I asked for.
I hope I am able to submerge myself into my experiences, I have been able to do it in the past but I am hopeful I might be able to be present in the coming days. I am very much an adventurer, a dreamer, on to the next thing faster than I’ve put my feet on the ground. It is as if I fear the fleeting, chasing it before it ever leaves. A lover of the promise in temporary, and yet a warrior for the coming, all the same.
Earlier today, I sat in the car and wondered if my body might just be itching for confrontation, I wanted to fight, one could say in that moment I needed it. Not for any true reason, mind you, I think it is simply that it is still going through what I would say is a withdrawal from a life I no longer live. I have been very discontented with my current state of being, the house has been dirty, I have been unable and unwilling to clean it, and I have felt far too depressed to move forward. There are a myriad of reasons why this could be, but in the end, do any of them matter?
Yes, in 6 months when I read this, I will wonder what I might be referencing, what in my life could be plaguing me so awfully? I refuse to leave myself any clues currently, because quite frankly, I don’t need any “easter eggs” left in my writings to remind me of where I was. I know where I am, I know where I have been, unless my memory starts to elude me, I do not need to leave myself such answers.
I opened up a journal yesterday, I was fearful to read it’s previous entries because I knew that I wrote in it when I was truly perturbed and unable to cope with certain situations. I just wanted to write, and that is where I did it. Mind you, I sat outside in the sun for hours, I needed council, I wanted nourishment. Upon remembering my strange relationship with ants, as they crawled up and down my legs, through my toes and over my feet – the pages of my journal turned and I was greeted with very positive affirmations about myself, the wind stirred again and there were more positive pages to be read.
I remember those times as dark, and seeking. I did not account for them as such things. Doing what I always do, I took my circumstances, as grim as they were to my dear heart, and changed them, so that I may not recall all the details. Yes, some of them I was able to piece back together, but praise that version of myself, because I did not write in such a manner as to put myself back in to those situations.
In six months when I read this, I hope I am able to remember Pax sleeping under my arm as I write. Candles burning in my room, the sound of the fan, and the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Fortunately for me, I will also remember tomorrow, and I will remember how I was able to make it a better day. I can only hope that I am blessed enough to be healed much more in six months, than I am right now. Grateful as I am for all the healing I have done in the last year, but March 29th will be a grim day, if I am still in my current state of being. This much I know my heart will not deny, it cannot be so.